She's the Boy I Used to Know...

I catch a glimpse of her as she’s coming from afar. Her typical walk, swaying her hips to the left to the right so softly and rhythmically. With a big bag hanging on her left shoulder, her right hand was busy swiping her yellowish hair away from her face. Oh! What a breeze out there. I paused for a moment as to find the right definition of her at that point, should I call it elegant or quite a little messy. I waived at her with smile hoping she will see me through this big clear wall of glass. With a broad smile she winked and waived back at me. Now she hurried her steps as she knew she was obviously late for our meeting that afternoon.

Pushed the glass door open, she walked straight to me. With a little sorry in her eyes, she said “Sorry Cass, I am running a little late.” I smiled though deep in my heart, I am not so fond, thirty minutes doesn’t really count as a little late, mind you! However, I pardon her as I like her and I need her throughout this meeting. . “It’s alright Judy, just a little late; take a sit now will you?” Then she sat down so obediently while taking her deep breath and I let her to fully settle down for a little while.

“Now Judy, anything for you? Drinks or snacks? We don’t have much choice here aren’t we?“  It was half past three in the afternoon and we were in a cosy little cafe. I chose the rendezvous place because I craved for the perfect smell of latte as my day has started since 5am that blessed day. She went through the menu selections silently. As she stood in front of the ordering counter, she tapped her left pointer on her chin thinking what she would like to have. She didn’t stand straight too, in a little awkward position to me as she bent here and there. Maybe because I always stand straight, guess everyone is different. Her right leg bent backward about forty five degree from the knee, only the tip of her toes touched the floor. I can really sense that the guy at the counter looked way irritated by Judy, as if he would pursue her away in a matter of minutes.

Gosh! What did I do? Would like to apologize to Judy as I can’t help it; my eyes and mind drawn naturally to observe her way, so many interesting facts surrounding her and her life. There she came, done with her order. Smiled in relieved that we were about to start our friendly interviewed. I was the unofficial interviewer.

Now let me share a little about Judy with all of you. Didn’t mean to offend anyone with this stories and I am doing this with Judy’s permission. I hope to be able to give a little understanding about the life of people like Judy. They are just like any of us but the choice they made, make it all different. I happened to bump into her again about three years ago after all those long years and I braved up to ask if she was the same person I used to know. A little shocked to know she was. She was quite polite though she really puzzled as who I am. I mentioned about the street I used to see her walked by, the year and even description of our parents’ former house. She knew the details but really she doesn’t know me. I would fully understood her because that ‘little chit’ then was just a bit too observance. Never mind that…

To begin, I have known of Judy at my early years. Precisely when I was just nine while then Judy would have easily been a ripe seventeen years old. Didn’t know much about but used to see Judy walked by the street quite often. As I well remember the name stated on the school uniform then was JUDE. This, as I was taught about gender by my parents, teachers at school and basically everybody that I know; I confidently identified Jude as a boy. Basically his appearance, his hair style, his build, his clothing and all, he is a boy! I knew that for certain.

And here we are now, let me introduce Judy. She’s the boy I used to know as Jude.

“Here comes your chocolate milk shake Miss J…” The waiter announced. I heard the annoyance in his voice as he pronounced Miss J but slap that off. We weren’t there to annoy anyone. Then he turned to me with his smile, probably the best smile of the day and said “Miss Gorgeous, is there anything else that I can get for you?” I gazed at him and answered friendly “Perhaps two glass of water for both me and Miss J….. will be fine thank you.” Sure! He replied. I purposely pronounced Miss J with a long sound of J….. as he did it. Judy tap lightly on my hand.. “It’s okay Cass, don’t mind them. I’m used to that.”

“Gosh! Judy, how could you let it happened just like that? It’s painful enough for me just to see it. Can’t imagine how you feel about all these ill treatments here and there” I said to her, then she replied “Simple, just ignore them. I’m numb so does all my types. Listening to or feeling those insults doesn’t do me any good.” She laughed lightly.

Here we can see the discrimination and the ill acceptance of the transvestite individuals or ‘pondan’ (as they are call locally) by the public. Though they are almost everywhere, they are not really well treated all the time. They are few details Judy would like to share with us. Some might not really be a pleasure reading but I just want us to understand how is their lives live daily been mocked at times, yelled with some cruel names and under privilege. I feel glad that she would accept my request about this simple discussion. Like most of us know, they don’t simply mix or befriended anyone. They are most comfortable being among themselves, trusting each other and moving around together. They can rather be cold and unfriendly too.

Warming up the conversation, I asked her when did she first started to feel that she don’t like the gender she was born as. She stopped for a while, obviously remembering the history. Then she said as early as ten years old. I asked how and why? She smiled saying don’t know but she fancied women clothing, including women’s under wears. She always wishes to wear them and imagine having the pretty humps on her chest to be able to put on brassieres. From the clothing, she added interest on women’s accessories, hairstyles and even make up. Basically, everything about women. Surrounding by all this fantasy, he completely forgot that he is a boy. In Judy’s case, she was born a straight perfect boy without impair on genital like some unfortunate cases of transgender or incomplete forming of genital. Thus it can be quite hard for me to believe that it can be possible just like that.

She saw me paused and she broke the silence, mentioned media too have a big influence on her transformation process. She was obsessed and still is with those nearly nude women bodies in music videos, magazines and even advertisement that make her to feel that being a female, she will be adore.

At thirteen, Jude start acted strange that his family started to put more attention. Instead of playing with other boys his peers outside, he chose to stay in house feared the afternoon sun would darken his skin. He picked on different interest as to do domestic chores, cooking and groomed himself well to look more feminine. His father got so mad that he scolded him over and over again because he is humiliating them.

Still lived in his parents’ home forced him to obey their rules. He did not even give up on his interest. Respecting them he did it quietly. As time goes on it became more extreme that he found his ‘type’ of friends outside. Some are much older that they taught him all the lessons that made him who he is today. Few months before he turn eighteen, he eventually moved out of his parents’ home with the excuse of needing a place nearer to his working place. He lived with all his friends. He has finally declared himself as a female. Free to do whatever he want and wears whatever she likes. Until today, she confessed she had never regretted her decision to be a female.

Living on her own with friends at the age of eighteen means she has to live within her own mean. With her kinky appearance that she is neither a male nor female, it is very hard for her to be able to land on a proper decent job. She spent years working at local open eateries as a dish washer. Low paid means it is hard for her to have saving or even buying pretty things. As she sighed, one of her housemates suggested her to do extra ‘job’ at night which will certainly helped her earning extra income. Little did she know; this means flesh trade! The older housemate assured her that she doesn’t have to do it if she didn’t like it but she can try whenever she is ready. She did it thinking about the extra income which will do her well. 

That is the beginning of her world of sex trade or better known as prostitution. In the beginning, it was really awkward for her but after just few occurrences; she related it as very easy. She laughed when she said that but she can never deny that I saw a fiery regret through her eyes. She does not have to elaborate this as it is our common senses that nobody will be proud to admit that they are prostitute. Walking down the streets with appealing outfits, calling out for any cars pass by. That can never be a decent sight.

Trying to hold her tears, she admitted that the most heart breaking part was when some pervert or ill-mannered guys just drove closer pretending to seek for services but instead spitted on them, sometimes threw things on them especially rotten things, yelled with words like “You smelly dirty thing!!”, laughed at them for fun or even just molested them without care. I held my own tears from falling, wondering if I can still go on but I focused on her. Somehow at the bottom of my heart, I think individuals like Judy must have known what the circumstances of what they’re into are. The insults are just part of it because as prostitute, she had already lost all the pride and respect of a decent human being. This is when I realized that even people who are involved in sex trade are still considered being raped. Why was that? Because at times they are drove away by the so-called customers far away, forced sex with violence without being paid and ditched there when they are done and have to find their own way home in pain. Cruel! That’s the only word playing in my head. Enough with this already!

As I spent time sitting quite closely to Judy, I noticed that whatever she did, she can never change to be fully female. Her hands and legs are man’s own. The apple of her throat is bulging heavily. Perspire quite heavily compared to a typical woman and the rougher skin on her face with a strong facial bone. I almost jumped from the sofa when realizing the question just slipped out of my mouth!! “Judy, you shave don’t you?” Saw some obvious razor cuts on her chin. Oh no! Hoping so much she doesn’t get offended but she don’t. She said “Yes dear, almost every other day.” Phew…

Try to cut short on this conversation, I wrapping up with Judy on few other things. She confirmed that she is not doing the sex trade anymore. She had been doing it for long twelve year. She also confessed that fortunate that she know how to handle money quite carefully that she have little saving which gave her the chances to enrol into sewing, baking and make up courses. Now she is earning her income genuinely taking order for festival cakes, making clothes and occasional make-up artist. Thanks to Judy for allowing me to share this with you.

It took me a while after that conversation with her that I even dreamt few times until I finally get over it. She has a dear friend who was splashed with fish guts while walked to a signalling car thought it was a customer who waived at her. She recalled the laughter that came along with the splashing was so mean. She was pushed to fall in her stilettoes few times causing her to twist her ankle and suffered. She had been ripped off her clothes and her wigs pulled away by men too so I understood she must have had enough of those and wanted a change for a better life. Imagine a double life of dishwasher during the day and a prostitute at night over the years. Does she ever have enough sleep during those years?