Secret of a Happy Couple
Why do some couples seem so head over- heels? It’s not that their lives are any easier or more perfect than yours but they do know how to keep the daily grind from eroding their relationship. Get some of what they have by incorporating these happy couple strategies into your love life....
1. Fall in love all over again. Make a conscious decision to be in love. The more you act as if you are in love, the more you will feel like you are.
2. Remember the good times. Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make a list of all the things you used to enjoy doing together and add any new fantasies to the list. Plan for them and make them happen.
3. Help your partner feel more loved and secure in your love so that he or she can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Compliment, praise and give a hug. Small gestures make the grandest statements.
4. Don’t make unilateral decisions. You’re a team in many ways, so act like one. Check in and make decisions together about things large and small. Be willing to compromise.
5. Be present. Train your mind to stay in the moment -- not at work, thinking about the new colour you want to paint your kitchen, or how it’s time to take the dog to the vet.
6. Pay attention to your physical appearance. Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter.
7. Boost your compatibility. Couples in crisis focus on all the ways they are different, whereas those who are in love zero in on their similarities and think their differences are cute. Build compatibility by taking turns planning activities to do together. If you don’t like your partner’s choice, don’t complain. It’s your turn next.
8. Do not place blame. Replace blame and criticism with solutions and tenderness. Solve problem together - sit close, hold hands, touch each other’s face or hair. Be playful. When was the last time you laughed together? Rent a comedy movie to tickle your funny bone.
9. Plan for sex. Spontaneity is great but smart couples know that good sex doesn’t just happen. Like everything else, it takes time and planning.
10. Fact find. Don’t mind-read. You may think you know but you can’t assume. You may believe he or she should know, but that’s not fair, either. Always clear up misinterpretations and misunderstandings to make sure they don’t throw you both off course.
11. Fight fair and by appointment only. Schedule a limited time to discuss a problem and confine your comments to that issue only. It’s easier to relax and feel free to enjoy each other when you know you won’t be ambushed by a litany of complaints and criticisms.
12. Prepare for checkouts. Even in the closest marriage, everyone needs time alone. Don’t take it personally and don’t make each other feel guilty if you need to spiritually and emotionally regroup. Just be sure to tell each other when you are checking out (max, one day) -- and when you’re checking back in.
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When Letting Go, Let Love Grows
As human beings, our myriad life experiences shape us and change us. While this is inevitable, our ability to let go of negative thoughts and emotions such as hatred, fear, anger, and the need to control, is our most effective tool in controlling and counteracting the emotional baggage we have accumulated on our life journey. Only when we are able to release ourselves from past hurts, can we open ourselves to others and love them with the fullness of our being. Detaching from that which lessens our spirits, frees us to love in this way. Of the many ways that we attach ourselves to negative thought patterns and behaviours, there are few that bear special mention. Let’s look at letting go…
…Of Control
It’s not just certain type of personalities people that feel the need to control everything in their environment. When it comes to love, many people unconsciously erect barriers and encase themselves in emotional armour in an attempt to tightly control life’s many variables. The almost limitless unknowns in life can be scary, and as a result the human heart might end up being the most protected part of who you are. But there is a reason for the popular saying “control is just an illusion”; indeed, all you can control is yourself- other people’s actions and feelings will always be wild cards, given that we all have free will.
When you try to manoeuvre people’s emotions and actions to make yourself feel more secure, you cheat both yourself and the other person out of vital, organic experiences. And the sad little truth about control is that you may have it one minute, and lose it the next to the unpredictable nature of life and people.
By detaching yourself from the need to control people and events, you are free to accept things as they come, celebrating the good and allowing the bad to roll off your psyche. So much energy is put into trying to manage others, that when it blows up in your face, you are devastated because you have invested so much of yourself in the situation. Much better to live in the moment, take and enjoy life as it comes, and allow things to happen naturally.
…Of Past Hurts
Virtually everyone has lived through a broken heart – a sad, yet inevitable fact of the human condition. Far more tragic, however, is the unreachable wall that some build around their hearts to protect themselves from further assaults. Moving on from a harmful relationship is contingent upon the person’s ability to release bad experiences and not harbour them in their hearts and bodies. The fears and emotional baggage you take into a new relationship can easily kill it, and often does. To be able to heal from the negative experience, to forgive yourself and your ex-partner for whatever transpired, is imperative to moving on. With hurtful shadows on your heart, you cannot give yourself completely to another. You will always be holding a piece of yourself back, dedicated to mourning the past. This part of you will make you fear loving another, always placing doubt between you and your happiness with a new relationship.
The key is to find peace with whatever went on in these past relationships, accepting that you both did the best you could consider who you were at the time. Then just let it go. Mentally cleaning out your “old, ruined relationships” closet will make room for something new and exciting in your love life. It’s a wonderful and happy thought to focus on the positive contributions a new love brings into your life without losing sight of your power to choose the final outcome of that relationship. It’s a most empowering and healing revelation to acknowledge that you will be able to free yourself completely from a relationship, should it go sour, and then happily move on to sweeter things.
